dreary like the rain

i just had my comp lit exam (3h timed dissertation; 8 am!) and, well. the topic was relatively easy but it was difficult to streamline my thoughts and language productively. then i also had to make an effort to mold my thoughts into the french dissertation format. and then, a conscious effort to write transitions (and i know i didn't in some places. and which is something i don't really do very well in english either). thoughts like: i need an idea to open up in my conclusion. (oh, so. traditionally their conclusions end with an ouverture. a new idea a bit outside of the domain of the specific subject, a problem that could be presented, a knot, to show that the thought process hasn't terminated; mine: if you consider balzac's representation of province as a new literary object, explaining both the banality, simplicity, ridiculousness and the complexity, valorisation--is this a word?, how does that correspond with balzac's perception of his work as thoroughly scientific, etc etc) that it was a necessity, a requirement. this certain format. that i was writing in a way i would never write in english. using the third person impersonnal ("one"-though in my defense it's much more frequent in french) and boring boring transition phrases ("first of all" and the like--practically unavoidable)

also we only had to fully write out the introduction, one part and the conclusion. and for the other two parts she wanted a detailed outline, becaues we have one hour less than we'll have for the final. and come to think of it i probably should have parsed the part that i wrote out better, it was basically just a big block of thought/example, thought/example, especially towards the end when i realized i wasn't going to be able to take my time writing.

and we couldn't use the books(!) hm. this is balzac, by the way. have i even told you about this course? it's centered around the literary representation of province and we're reading balzac, zola, and sartre. jessica, a foreigner studying this specific thing and placement/relationship of province in france, as opposed to paris. newness in many ways.

have i told you about how nearly all french students carry around multiple colored pens/pencils for note-taking? and they always use a ruler to underline things. my handwriting is atrocious in comparison.

do you remember that day with the timed painting and the "linear!", the black lines and your artistic vision? it was a bit like that, i suppose. having to fit my flailing, wandering thoughts/comments into a specific form, the time, mostly the wanting to produce something good. when i handed everything in to her i wanted to say, well i hope you at least have fun reading it. i was talking to an italian girl i've befriended in the class... in italy all their exams are oral.

i'm going to see a play tonight. i miss emily dickinson. i got a wonderful package from will the other day. my philosophy course is definitely the hardest for me, idea-wise. all the moreso because it's like taking two classes, split between ancient and more modern philosophers. modern section of said philosophy class cancelled tomorrow. going to normandie this weekend. it's gotten cold here, unfortunately. i would love some lasagna now.

no transitions no transitions no transitions

more:
this is the longest entry i've ever written, i think. i don't know, i've been thinking more about the exam and what a different kind of experience it was, how little of me was in it! i meander when i think, jessica, when i write. wander! and now the need for a direction is so much more present. the difference between a thought given to you and a thought developped by you. so little were things that i had stumbled upon on my own... the only thing i'd be able to call my own is the organisation. the tites for the outline sections! which. is that valuable? also valuable? organisation that alters content, changes meaning, etc.

the way dissertation subjects seem to function in france: be vague, impossible to answer definitively, touch on huge important capitalized concepts--Life, Beauty, Fatigue, Society, etc. be of the order: without beauy would one talk of art? should one tolerate intolerance? does fatigue have a place in society? then! to respond: thesis, antithesis, synthesis. and, i don't know. it's valuable, i think, in its way. but once you have this format that instructs you how to think about things... isn't the way you think about things as important as the content? you know, form and concept. content. old hat. and then for the synthesis it seems like it suffices to reframe, to relevel the question. put a metaphysical question into the historical context of the authors. examine the authorial process of something that claims authority.

let's think about homeless thoughts

i don't know why i'm writing so much here. i don't know if any of this is interesting, but it's just a good way to write to both you and will.