i expected to catch up to sophistication

today i'm going to make mexican wedding cookies in preparation for my trip up the east coast.

i never meant to leave it any way at all, though i wanted to. i used to believe that things by their very nature were impossible to leave alone, that they continued with or without your will, not as they were but through the changing scraps and threads that comprised your belief for them in the first place. now i doubt these things--that indeed make up the bulk and beauty of our lives--ever even existed in their thingness as such. if you are able to catch one and suspect its existence as a thing, please tell me. i would never have ran after them, if i had known.