the world doesn't get better by itself

today in painting: two hour paintings. on canvas that he provides (him, see, we're set up well. this isnt arizona junior college!). a rethinking of your first painting. take risks, use lots of paint, but be done in two hours. and mine, i liked it, vicki. smearing paint. very abstract, maybe too expressionist for my usual taste, but its risky, you know. i didnt play it safe. anyway, literally five minutes from the deadline, he tells me, think linear now. me, what do you mean? him, i mean what i said: linear! so i add these black lines across the whole thing, which, i always revert to these stupid black lines when i dont know what to do. and i show it in the critique like this. and he just, tears the lines apart. and it felt so bad, vicki. but i hadnt wanted them in the first place! i was done. i told him i was done and he said, linear! so, i took the lines off, mostly, after the critique. but walking home, then i got it, i could see what he meant by linear and how perfect i could have made it with sort of colored half-hearted outlines on the shapes. but it was too late, and now he wont know that i do have some sense of artistic, composition. i just, couldnt think in those five minutes. and now i've thrown all the paint away.